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When Your Mother has Breast Cancer
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Bob Riter, Associate Director
Ithaca Breast Cancer Alliance
Your 70 year old mother just called to tell you that she’s been diagnosed
with breast cancer. She seems to be taking the news rather well, but you want
to jump in and help. But how?
A significant number of the people who call and visit the Ithaca Breast Cancer
Alliance (IBCA) do so for advice on how they can help a loved one with breast
cancer. Since older women are the population at greatest risk for breast cancer,
we often hear from their daughters and sons. While every diagnosis of breast
cancer is somewhat different and every family is certainly different, there
are some DO’s and DON’T’s that we usually recommend:
DO
1. Respect your mother’s right to make all decisions, even if you disagree
with the decisions she makes.
2. Respect your mother’s privacy in terms of who she wants to tell about
her breast cancer.
3. Educate yourself about breast cancer so you’ll better understand what
she’s going through.
4. Go with her to doctor’s appointments whenever possible. Take notes
and be a reassuring presence.
5. Reassure your mother that she does not need to make treatment decisions overnight.
Breast cancer is rarely a medical emergency. Ask the doctor how long your mother
can safely wait before beginning treatment.
6. Identify resources that might be helpful to your mother. For example, there
might be an organization similar to the Ithaca Breast Cancer Alliance where
she lives. IBCA can help identify these resources.
7. Encourage her to maintain contact with her primary care physician. This physician
can often help explain the treatment options and look after her overall well-being.
8. Remember that everyone needs time to adjust to a cancer diagnosis. Your mother
might not want to talk about it today, but she might feel differently next week.
DON’T
1. Don’t assume what your mother wants. And don’t assume that the
treatment you would choose for yourself is the one that she should choose.
2. Don’t assume that your mother wants your advice. People often get too
much unsolicited advice when they’re diagnosed with cancer. You can often
help even more by being a non-judgmental listener.
3. Don’t assume that your mother should attend a support group. While
support groups are often quite helpful, they only work if the person wants to
attend.
4. Don’t think that you can “fix” everything.
Situations become more complex when the mother has an underlying mental illness
such as depression, or if she has Alzheimer’s Disease or other cognitive
impairment. For example, your mother might say that she doesn’t want treatment,
but you suspect that she would want treatment if she weren’t depressed.
For these situations, involve your mother’s primary care provider for
advice and/or to help diagnose and treat the underlying conditions.
What’s most important for a daughter or son in dealing with a mother’s
breast cancer is simply to be present for her. Be available when she wants to
talk, and reassure her that you support her in the choices she makes. This can
be difficult because so many of us are accustomed to trying to fix things, and
we tend to focus too much on the fix and not enough on the person.
Health care providers will naturally focus on your mother’s cancer. As
a family member, you have the opportunity and privilege of focusing on her as
a person. It’s the best gift you’ll ever give her.
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